It's been a really long time since I've blogged. I've been busy. And probably a bit depressed. It's not easy transporting yourself, all by yourself, into a completely foreign culture. Don't get me wrong, it's exciting and interesting and rewarding and all that stuff, but it's also difficult.
I keep saying to myself, "I'm almost done. Just two weeks left. I'm almost done. Just two weeks left. I'm almost done…"
Two weeks seems like an eternity.
It hasn't been all bad. In fact, some of it has been absolutely fantastic. All of it has been a learning experience.
When I first came to visit Nay Chi School, it was with the intention of turning down the job. I didn't want to come back to Myanmar as soon as they wanted me to, but I wasn't quite ready to be done with Southeast Asia, either, so I agreed to come and visit the school with the intention of establishing a relationship, so if I wanted to come back some day it would be an option.
It's a 16 hour bus ride from Yangon to Lashio. On the way here I started reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed. It's about a woman who decided to hike the Pacific Crest Trail on her own. She wasn't entirely sure what she was doing, but she felt like it was something she needed to do. It was a really difficult journey for her, but in the end she also felt it was rewarding. She found an inner peace and a sense of clarity in taking a risk, striking out on her own, and accomplishing something simply because she felt compelled to.
To make a long story short, I had a nice time visiting Nay Chi School, and they offered me a better package than I had originally anticipated, so when I left I told them I would think about it, and I found myself considering accepting the position more than I had anticipated.
On the 16 hour bus ride back to Yangon I finished Wild. I found myself thinking, "If she can do that, I could do this."
A few days later I was back in Michigan, celebrating the 4th of July with my family. My Aunt Linda and I were talking, and one of us brought up Wild. She told me that many of the women she worked with had read the book and really enjoyed it. One of her colleagues, however, wasn't buying it. "I just can't believe a woman would do something that crazy all by herself," she told my aunt.
"I know someone who would," my Aunt Linda replied, "My niece would do it."
I was flattered, and honored that my aunt had thought of me as an example of a brave woman who would strike out on her own and accomplish something so challenging. It was one of many factors that led to my acceptance of the position at Nay Chi School.
Last night I was spending yet another Friday night alone in my apartment. It's cold here. About 45 degrees fahrenheit (7C). I know what all my family in Michigan will think when they read that: "That's not cold! It's 15 degrees (-10C) here!" True, but you go from your heated house to your heated car, which you drive to your place of work, which is heated. Nothing here is heated. When it's 7C/45F degrees outside here, it's also 45 degrees in my office. It's also 7 degrees in my apartment. It's cold.
I decided to take a hot bath and watch a film in order to take the chill off. As I perused the hard drive that other people have helped me fill, I noticed that I have Wild. It felt fitting to watch it for the first time, so close to the end of my time in Lashio.
I remember wondering as I was reading the book how they could ever make it into a movie. So much of the book was about her inner thoughts, her memories, her uncertainty, her fears, and her determination. As predicted, the film didn't do justice to any of that, but it still managed to bring me to tears.
Toward the end of the film, Cheryl's character has a monologue about how she was feeling when she was close to the the end of her journey. With a fair few miles left to go, she was ready to be done. She'd had enough. At the same time, she was afraid to finish. Afraid of the unknown, of the fact she didn't know what she was going to do when she was done.
Those feelings resonated with me. Hard. I'm so ready to be done here. I've had enough of young children screaming two of the only English words they know: "MISS! TEACHER MISS!" I've had enough of being left out of every conversation going on around me, even the ones that are about me. I've had enough of smiling at everyone who stares at me, even though I really don't feel like it. I've had enough white rice to last a lifetime. I've had enough of feeling self conscious about the money I spend.* I've had enough of overhearing students memorizing everything without learning anything. I've had enough of knowing that every single thing I do will be the topic of gossip among my students and colleagues. I've had enough of the concrete walls in my apartment, which is my only sanctuary from all the stuff I've had enough of.
I'm ready to be done.
I'm also terrified.
I don't know what will happen next. I don't know how to go about manifesting the life that I want for myself. I sometimes worry I want too much from the universe.
I know it will all work out. I trust I'm where I'm meant to be, and I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing. I believe the universe has ways of providing the things we need, and honoring our intentions. I'm sure my future is bright because I plan to make it that way.
I'm still scared.
But I'm still ready.
Only two weeks left. I can do this…
*I know I'm buying good quality material that is made locally and then tailored by someone whom I pay a living wage to, so I'll have a wardrobe full of things that I know for a fact weren't made in sweatshops. I'm proud of the way I'm consuming consciously. They just think I'm spending too much money.
